Bathroom Break
by Reiven
Summary: Legolas/Eomer. Legolas wants Aragorn, but he only has eyes for Arwen. We dwell into the mind of the elf as he tries to out rank, out age and out pretty Eomer for first entry to the bathroom.


Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings don't belongss to ussss. We only need the preciouss, our preciouss, my precioussss.  
  
A/N - Some ideas belong to Cassandra Claire, the goddess of the Draco Trilogy and LoTR secret diaries. Special thanks are due. This is set during RoTK right after Frodo comes back on Gwaihir the Windlord.  
  
Bathroom Break.  
  
~*~  
  
`Frodo. It's always about Frodo.` an angry Legolas stomped down the deserted corridor. `What is so great about - oh Valar.` he stopped when he caught sight of himself in a suit of armor. `My hair.` he looked around wildly. `Where is the bathroom?` he started to walk faster.  
  
"Prince Legolas, where are you going in such a hurry?" one of the maids of the stewards' bowed to him. "If I could be of assistance."  
  
Legolas collected himself and spoke in a casual tone. "I was just searching for the bathroom."  
  
"Of course. It's just down the hall and the third door on the right."  
  
"Thank you, kind lady." Legolas bowed in return to her and walked away. The maid blushed and ran of to tell the others of the good-looking Prince of Mirkwood.  
  
`Third ...here it is.` The door on question was located on the far side of the hall and right next to a corner. `War is such an inconvenience. Why couldn't they just work it all out? I mean, the only one who suffers is I! How in Valars' name am I going to get all this grime out of my hair? I should have taken Glorfindel up on that wig offer, Arwen uses it and Aragorn still goes for her. Damn Arwen.`  
  
Legolas got to the door, and when he was just about to reach for the door handle, another hand beat him to it.  
  
`What the?` Legolas looked up to the face of. "Eomer!" he said spitefully.  
  
"Oh, it's the elf." Eomer looked impassively at him. "What in middle earth happened to your hair?"  
  
"That is none of your concern, horse master." Legolas turned his head, flipping his hair over his shoulder in the process.  
  
"Master Elf, if I maybe so bold as to say, Elves maybe masters when it comes to archery. But when it comes to hiding their jealousy, they are more obvious than a transsexual Orc."  
  
Legolas spluttered. "What do you mean, jealousy? Why, in the good name of the Lady Galadriel, would I be jealous of a filthy human. 'I' am an immortal Elf. I will have forever, my perfect complexion and my silky hair."  
  
"Do not deny it, Elf. I saw the look you gave me when we first encountered each other in the Riddermark. I remember the jealousy that shone in your eyes when you first laid eyes on my hair and the hair on my helmet." Eomer smirked.  
  
"You might be right, human. But it's such a shame that when the helmet was removed, it was the face of an aardvark that stared back." Legolas snubbed his nose. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have a reunion to attend to soon, and I have yet to cleanse myself ." He moved to enter the bathroom, but was blocked by Eomer.  
  
"Alas, if my memory serves me right, it was I who reached the door first." He was just about to go in when Legolas slipped in front and put himself between Eomer and the door.  
  
"Then memory has failed you, good man. For it was I who intended to use the bathroom first." Legolas had to look up to the taller Eomer.  
  
"Then, first access should be granted to the higher ranking 'man'. This would be me, young Elf." Eomer nudged Legolas out of the way.  
  
"I will have you know, that 'I' am a two thousand, nine hundred and thirteen year old, elvish Prince of Mirkwood, so clearly authority is given to me." He reached for the door handle but was slapped away by Eomer.  
  
"I beg to differ, master Elf. I am the third Marshal of the Riddermark and soon to be king of Rohan. So it is my right to use the bathroom first."  
  
"I am the son of King Thranduil, ruler of all Mirkwood, 'and' and the best looking member of the Fellowship. I earn the right of first entry."  
  
While Legolas and Eomer were busy arguing, they didn't notice a small person pass them and enter the bathroom first. With a small click, the door shut and both the Elf and the human could only look on dumbfounded .  
  
"PIPPIN!"  
  
~*~  
  
An hour later ...  
  
~*~  
  
The door finally opened, and out came Pippin. Legolas and Eomer rushed to the open door and fought on who got to go in first. They both managed to wiggle their way in and closed the door.  
  
Pippin looked shocked and shouted to the people in side. "I wouldn't go in there yet if I were you."  
  
From in the bathroom, two-muffled voice could be heard. "Pippin."  
  
Legolas and Eomer came rushing back out holding their noses in disgust.  
  
"I warned you." Pippin grinned and started to walk away. "Oh yeah, Legolas, we were thinking of having a small celebration for us after Frodo and Sam awaken, you should come." He turned back and spoke to Legolas.  
  
"I would, if 'someone'" he looked spitefully at Eomer. "would let me use the bathroom."  
  
"That 'someone' would have let you use the bathroom, if you had reached it first. But you did not. Prissy Elf."  
  
"It is not like that 'someone', needs to use the bathroom anyway. When was the last time that 'someone' even took a shower? Filthy human." Legolas raised an eyebrow at Eomer.  
  
"At least that 'someone' doesn't spend his time in the bathroom doing his hair into unnatural colors." Eomer smirked at Legolas.  
  
"I have no idea what you two are talking about." Pippin looked baffled and walked off.  
  
"I shall be granted first access to the bathroom."  
  
"No, it shall be I."  
  
"Wait." Eomer sighed. "Why should we not use it together?" Legolas considered his proposal and agreed.  
  
"Very well." He went to the door and turned back to Eomer. "Seeing as how I am the Prince of all Mirkwood, I wish the right to first entry."  
  
"All right, Elf." Legolas snubbed his nose and walked into the bathroom, reeking with an air of superiority. Eomer shook his head and followed behind.  
  
~*~  
  
In the bathroom ...  
  
~*~  
  
They both stood there silently.  
  
"Now what do we do?"  
  
"I know not of what you are going to do. I am going purify my hair of all this Mordor dirt." Legolas added under his breath. "Aragorn owes me."  
  
"Aragorn?" Eomer smiled sinisterly. "What does Aragorn have to do with any of this?"  
  
"Allow me to inquire in how this is any of you business."  
  
"I know." He crossed his arms. "You have a thing for Aragorn, do you not?"  
  
Legolas pouted indignantly. "It's not like he takes notice of it in any case. Does he not realize that it was I who rushed to his aid when he fell at the hands of the troll. All that struggling with those putrid Orcs have left me with a stench that will linger until I return home to Mirkwood. Gandalf the sellout just stood there looking poignant even though he did nothing. After all that I have done, Aragorn still calls out to Arwen the wig-wearing she-elf."  
  
"Aragorn's lover wears a wig?" Eomer snickered.  
  
"She thinks nobody notices. Why do you think elves say that she has nicer hair than I?" Legolas huffed, sulking. "What does he see in her that he doesn't see in me? I have nicer hair, much more perfected complexion, a better body and a master at using arrows." He shook his head. "I'm going to wash my hair."  
  
Eomer just stood there, thinking about what Legolas just said. About half an hour later, Legolas finally came out of the shower, looking as sparkling as ever. He had changed his clothes and was wearing the light blue shirt he has under his usual clothes and his leggings.  
  
"I shall be on my way then, to see the heroic halfling." He looked thoughtful. "Maybe I might be able to persuade Aragorn to change his mind. I will be seeing you, horseman." He walked out, leaving Eomer to his thoughts.  
  
~*~  
  
An hour later ...  
  
~*~  
  
`The impudence of Aragorn.` Legolas stomped his way towards the bathroom. `How dare he ignore me? I gave him my best smile and he just ignored it. He paid more attention to the Half-wit hobbit. Does he not realize that Sam would smite him if he tries anything? And what in Valars name was he wearing? It looked like something he had pilfered from Lord Elronds' wardrobe. Or was it Arwens'` he raised an eyebrow to himself. `Just like her to have something so horrendous.` he shook his head. `Did Aragorn not notice the way I stood there? I was the embodiment of poise. What am I saying? I brought new meaning to the word poise.`  
  
As he was trudging on his way, he saw a beautiful vase on a table. He narrowed his eyes, picked up the vase and threw it out the window. `Take that, Aragorn.` He continued walking. `If he was so in love with Arwen, then what was that little flirt back at Helms Deep? He think I didn't notice the way he brushed his hand against mine when I gave him the necklace.` he eyebrows shot up as he realized. ` The necklace. I shouldn't have given him the necklace. I should have shove that menacing necklace up a wargs' -`  
  
"Legolas."  
  
Legolas turned to the voice. Eomer's head was sticking out the bathroom door he had just gone past.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"The bathroom." Legolas replied grumpily.  
  
"Which one?"  
  
"What do you mean, which one."  
  
"Well, you are obviously not going to this one."  
  
"This one? Are you 'still' in there? I thought I was the only one who spends more time in the bathroom than Galadriel." Eomer held the door open for Legolas to enter.  
  
"Galadriel?"  
  
"Yes. You have no ides how much time she spends there. How do you think she keeps that clean, although I still don't know how she gets that shine just precise. The last time I did that, Aragorn tried to send me to Minas Tirith to become one of the Beacons." He took sight of Eomer. "I see you clean up well."  
  
"Thank you. I just have some problem with this hair. There are some tangles that are just not possible to unravel." He looked at himself in the mirror. "Darn helmet. I hope I can finish this before Aragorns' coronation."  
  
"I could lend you a hand, but it will cost you." Legolas smirked.  
  
"Cost?"  
  
"I have to be truthful, Eomer, I really did like your helmet. And I dread to think of an object out there that has a mane more beautiful than I."  
  
"Are you saying that you want it?"  
  
"Precisely. But that is your choice. Do not cast the blame on me when you go to the ceremony looking like Arod."  
  
Eomer thought thoroughly and agreed.  
  
So for the next few hours, Legolas worked on Eomer's hair and they both talked about everything from Gandalfs' new look to Aragorn's longer and cleaner looking hair, until it came time for the ceremony.  
  
"How do I look?" Eomer straightened out his clothes.  
  
"Very nice indeed." He smiled at his handiwork. "You never told me about the woman whom you wish to have as a wife."  
  
"A wife." He looked shocked. "I have never thought about that. I have always pictured myself a respected king riding off to battle upon my faithful steed."  
  
"Eomer. You could not possibly marry a horse."  
  
"I never said - let us just ignore this. The ceremony is starting.  
  
Legolas just smirked and shrugged. "Alright then."  
  
~*~  
  
The Ceremony ...  
  
~*~  
  
All the civilians of Minas Tirith gathered at the highest peek to see the coronation of the new King of Gondor.  
  
At the top of the stair stood Gandalf holding the crown over Aragorn's head.  
  
`Why is Gimli up there and not me? What is the point of his presence anyway? A pillow holder?` Legolas snorted. `How on earth did Aragorn grow his beard so long in such short time? What happened to his manly stubble? And that hair. Did he steal one of Arwens' wigs, or did he sell out like Gandalf?`  
  
Gandalf placed the crown on Aragorn head and spoke. "Now come the days of the king. May they be blessed."  
  
`Or may he discover he is actually a eunuch.` Legolas crossed his arms. He looked behind him to where the other Elves stood. His face turned to one of revulsion when he saw something at the back. `Who is that ugly elf standing behind Lord Elrond?` He turned his attention back when the crowd started to cheer. He saw Aragorn stand up on the podium, his cape flowing behind him.  
  
"This day does not belong to one man, but to all. Let us together rebuild this world that we may share in the days of peace." The crowds start clapping and Aragorn opens his mouth. Everyone expected more words of wisdom but instead he started to sing.  
  
Athareo andore natulien,  
  
sinamen manal,  
  
adehilin ya,  
  
tenam mane ee ee ta.  
  
As his song finishes, he walks down to greet his friends. Faramir and Eowyn bow down to him.  
  
`Thank Valar I finally convinced Faramir to court Eowyn. I though it would be one rival down, but was I wrong.` Legolas saw Eomer walk up to Aragorn looking as imposing as ever. `He does clean up good. If I don't get Aragorn, I might just try for Eomer. How hard is it to get a horse fetish man to notice you? Oh, here comes Aragorn. Time to give it one more try, here it goes.`  
  
Aragorn clasps Legolas' shoulder with his hand and Legolas does the same.  
  
"Hanon Le."  
  
`Here it goes.` Legolas smiled and turned his head slightly in a shy/ blushing bride way. But Aragorn looks at something else behind him. `What is he looking at? I'm right here.` He lets go of Legolas' shoulder and walks towards one of the banner carrier.  
  
The elf pulled the banner away and there stood,  
  
`ARWEN!` Legolas mentally fumed. `WHAT ARE THEY DOING? NO. NO. NOOO! ARAGORNS' KISSING HER. HOW COULD HE.` Legolas narrowed his eyes menacingly. `Damn you, Arwen. May the Valar curse of bad ageing and old and decrepit- ness befall you.` He glared at her.  
  
~*~  
  
Later ...  
  
~*~  
  
`I have just lost my chance. What will I do now?` Legolas sighed and slumped in a chair on the veranda of his room. He noticed a shadow walking in the garden below. After a moment of thinking, his face brightened and a smile graced his face, he turned to leave his room in search of someone. `Oh, Eomer.`  
  
The End.  
  
So how was it. Was it ok or should I just stop writing LoTR stories all together. Take in mind that this is my very first one and I have no beta. So tell me what you think in a review. *Hint* Review *hint* 


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